One reason you may be staying in your marriage even though you know it’s deeply trouble is that you can’t imagine having the conversation with your spouse. You can’t picture yourself saying, “I want a divorce.’ It’s just too difficult. Even the thought of it turns your stomach. And then you’d have to tell your parents AND your children!

I just came across this talk by Ash Beckham at TEDxBoulder and I found it really helpful.

Ash is talking about coming out of the closet but the point she makes is that a closet is simply a hard conversation. No one hard conversation is harder than another or harder for one person than another. They’re simply hard. And telling your spouse you want a divorce is a hard conversation.

Ash says that not having that hard conversation is like holding a grenade because you’re creating chronic stress for yourself and that has very real health consequences. I believe that - many of my interviewees have shared how their chronic health conditions significantly improved after divorce.

So what are Ash’s three rules for hard conversations?

• Be authentic - I do believe that being truthful and open about your feelings opens the door for treating the person you once loved with dignity and respect. And that can help set the stage for a less acrimonious divorce.
• Be direct - If you know in your heart of hearts your relationship is over, then don’t agree to marriage counselling because you think it might make it easier on your spouse. You’ll just be going through the motions and that will make the breakup even harder.
• Be unapologetic - this doesn’t mean not apologizing for the hurt, the lost dreams but rather do not apologize for speaking your truth.

I hope you’ll take ten minutes to watch Ash’s presentation. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

P.S. There’s a module on Telling Your Spouse in the My Divorce Pal coaching program.